My plate is full

I am feeling like I am carrying a large load on my back. It is beginning to weigh me down. Asking me to do such a little favor these days feel like you are asking me to run a marathon. I feel like my 3 children, my husband, and my household is about all I can handle. Anything more than that I am struggling to stay afloat. I am fee like I am drowning in responsibilities. I start school in less than 2 weeks, as the day approaches I am worrying if I can handle all my responsibilities. I feel misplaced. I just don't fit. I can't seem to find away to feel like I belong. Some days, I just want to run away from my problems.

I have to realize, that I can only handle so much. Someone, once told me that we all have different size plates. Some have large serving platters, while some have dinner plates, and there are some who have tiny little saucers. I think I have a salad plate. Their servings or responsibilities I can fit on that plate are small. When I was on my meds, I had a dinner plate, I could do fill it up. Since getting off, my plate broke and was replaced with a salad plate. Better than the dessert plate I had before I was treated. This week I realized my plate was just over flowing. I realized that I need to make my portions smaller. I have to eliminate responsibilities that are asking too much from me. Instead of wishing I had a serving platter and be super women and it all, I am going to make the best of my salad plate. I will learn to say no. I just so badly want to be that one person people can depend on that I am taking away from what matters the most, my kids.

I will have to deal with anxiety for the rest of my life. I have dealt with it my entire life. Knowing that the next 2.5 years will be a struggle while attending nursing school, I have to change they way I do things. I will have to keep in mind what will in my best interest when asked to do favors.

feeling better

Guess what world?? I'm feeling better!! Yeeeyaa!!! The drs have me on a cocktail of meds I think are working well. That in addition to running everyday has made me feel more whole. This year has been so rough, I'm praying the roughest of my life cause I'm not so sure I can take more. I so believe in meds, Im such a strong believer that meds can make all the difference in a persons life. I cannot believe how good I'm feeling, I'm actually able to function. Take care of my kids, be a better wife, and we're actually contimplating a 4th  kid. A couple months ago this all would never have been.

Heres to life!

I am a glacier- and the strom is coming!

most days I feel like a glacier, hiding most of myself under the water...


I cannot even express to you what a mess this whole getting on new medication has been!!! I had been going to this certain clinic I wont mention since January being treated . They were ok I guess.Well, my paxil stopped working! I became very anxious and irritable. Even suicide ideas, no plans just thoughts.So I beg my dr to get me in ANYWHERE, 3AM WHATEVER i need serious help!!!! So I make an appt and it gets canceled. Wonderful. This happens SIX TIMES in a mater of 2 weeks! Bear in mind, I'm not even able to get out of bed in the morning and take care of my kids. My house is a wreck cause they've just ran loose every. At this point I'm calling the dr everyday and asking for him to squeeze me in. I need some freaking help people! Cry! Cry! Crying for help!
so i was driving ON MY WAY TO THE MED CHECK appt when I get a call saying, what'???? HE HAD TO CANCEL AGAIN! tears are streaming down my face at this point. They always say, if you're depressed reach out and get help. HELLO WORLD!! CAN YOU HEAR ME,,,,,ITs LYNETTE AND i NEED HELP. my life depends on it.
so I call my insurance provider, crying so hard I'm sure she dint understand a word I was saying. So she sent me to this place much closer to my house. The fit me right in for a med check-perfect. They even had an opening THAT afternoon for me to see the DR. AWESOME..
well I race home and make lunch for the kids, frantically try to find a sitter and run right back to see the dr. And this guy looks like he survived the holocaust, i mean it was rough. Within the first 5 minutes he told me i need to leave my church, stop talking to my bishop because he will say anything to keep marriages together, and to leave ryan. Can you say QUACK??
hE ALSO TOLD me THAT i COULD GET ANY GUY i CHOOSE AND he kept asking about our sex life. Needless to say I was more then a little upset.
I called one of our councilors who happens to LDS and he told me not to listen to this guy, hes a nut. Which made me feel better.
I am on new medication, hes taking me off paxil (hallelujah! we could try for a baby if we want) and the withdraws are not as bad as I expected. I thought Id be detoxing like on Dr Drews Celebrity Rehab. But I have not even once been uncomfortable. I'm on (drum roll please)
*Abilify (mood stabilizer)
*Lamotrigine (heavy mood stabilizer-it has a two pronged effect, it treats my bipolar and depression. AWESOMENESS. I havent felt this healthy in years!!
* Attivan of course!


I also wanted to take a few minutes to thank all my awesome friends and family who have all been so patient and understanding with my illness. Some friends have given up on me, and just flat shut me out of their lives, and that hurts. I guess in a way it scares them and they dont know how to handle it or something so they just pull away. BUT its in these times of need you find out who your true Friends are. Especially Brittany and Kati, you two are awesome and I consider you my closest friends. :)

Thanks all to the readers. hope we can continue to gain strength from one another!

xoxo Lynette

High! Flying high!

Yes I'm back. Actually on a flight to nauvoo. We're doing a church history tour.

Mental health status.....hmmmm. where do I start?! Well. Things have been crazy. Thoughts, ideas, feelings all bouncing around inside my head like ping pong balls. Can't it all just stop?

Adjusted meds again. The Dr looks at me like I'm some kind of sick freak for wanting more of what's working.  Oh Dr. Live a day in my head......mmmmkkay?!
I'm currently maxed to what the Paxil can do for me. We upped Ability and upped the Ativan.
Tried therapy? Ask the three therapists I Visit.
They'll show you the money I've spent filling their wallets. All their kids should be going to college thanks to me.

It doesn't matter to me what people think anymore. That is a huge breakthrough.  I just feel it should be talked about more. Why is there so much stigma around this topic? Maybe its my sick mind but, hey, we're all screwed up right?
Lets gather together. Hold each other. Laugh and cry. Share in the truimps and the defeats. Together.
Those who struggle, know I'm in the trenches with you. I'm here.
Talk to me.......

{Guest Blogger ~ Jessica}

I'm so excited to get to be a guest blogger!!! My name is Jessica and i suffer from OCD and Agoraphobia. Most people don't know what agoraphobia is. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder defined as a morbid fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions. The agoraphobia has caused me to be a hermit in many ways. It becomes incredibly difficult to leave my house, go to church, visit friends all for the fear of having a panic attack before i leave or once i get there. Almost everyone I've met that Ive told about my Agoraphobia tells me, "You look all put together and under control to me. You'd never be able to tell" That's because i do a wonderful job of hiding my anxiety. I look completely calm and put together, but underneath my body is in full PANIC MODE. My heart races uncontrollably and i want to run home where i feel safe and where i feel i can control everything around me. That also is a combination of my OCD disorder. I ALWAYS have to keep things in order. I have a fear that if my house isn't perfectly clean that my husband might be angry or disappointed in me. Clearly this isn't the reality since my husband always tells me to sit down and relax and stop worrying about everything around the house. But he doesn't realize that while I'm sitting trying to relax my brain is analyzing everything around the house that is out of place and needs to be placed back in its rightful home. My OCD also causes me to be very concerned about my appearance. I wont leave my house unless i feel that i am 100% put together and looking nice.
Trying to deal with Agoraphobia and OCD is difficult some days and easy others. I have learned that sometimes i need to let the house stay dirty and focus on my kids that day instead of cleaning the entire day. It may bother me and make me want to run around picking stuff up, but I've learned to realize that i cant keep my house perfectly clean, especially when i have two small children. So if my house is messy i let it be messy. And when dealing with my Agoraphobia I end up just having to leave my house in panic mode and just dealing with my anxiety. Thank heavens for my husband. If it weren't for him i don't think i would get out of my house half the time. He is so wonderful and pushes me to go to church even though i don't want to because of the anxiety, and he encourages me to go spend time with my friends outside of the house and be sociable even when its hard. I'm so grateful for my husband and his love and support when I'm being a miss crazy pants at him and the kids and the house. Dealing with Anxiety disorders is an uphill battle and I think this blog is an AMAZING way to let others that suffer from the same problems know that you aren't alone in the battle and that there are others out there who know EXACTLY what you are going through and that you are a freak or completely crazy! Thanks so much!

~Jessica~

{I've Come along way}

I am realizing more and more that I have come a long way with me OCD. I am able to be myself. I have realized I have done so many things to please others and my anxiety has kept me back. I am always worried about the "what ifs" scenarios that it takes away from reality.

Last week, was pretty hard for me. I found out that my oldest daughter has a heart defect. My husband, Tom, has a brother and a nephew who have congenital heart defects and I have a deceased brother who had a heart defect at birth. He died about a week after he was born, this was the early eighties so technology isn't anything near it is now. My entire married life I have had this fear in the back of my mind that I would have a child with a heart defect. It can be hereditary, and since we both have brothers with defects, I just knew it was a HUGE possibility.

When my daughter was first born, the pediatrician in the hospital did inform me that she had a heart murmur. I knew that many newborns have murmurs because their valves haven't shut quite yet. Since then, no one has ever mentioned about her heart murmur. A couple of weeks ago, we took our children in to the after hours clinic because our children were really sick. The Dr asked us if we ever were told that she had a heart murmur.  She told us to see our pediatrician just to check on it. Her doctor referred us to the Cardiologist just to make sure it is an innocent heart murmur because of our family history.

We see the Cardiologist and he confirms that she has Aortic Valve Stenosis due to a valve that has two of the three leaflets fused together. She is fine for now, but will need surgery in adulthood. We will continue to see the Cardiologist to make sure it doesn't get worse.

I was so mad that this wasn't caught sooner. But really thinking about it, I am soooo glad that I didn't know about this for the last four years, I would have been a complete wreck with this news. This would have definitely spiked my OCD. I would have constant worry about my other children when I was pregnant with them. I feel so blessed that I didn't know until I was well enough to take this information in and process it. I seriously, could not have handled this even a year ago. I have come a long way. This is just one of many examples.

Fragile

Feeling fragile tonight. Alone on my anniversary es no beuno. Though I did go on a shopping spree today :)
I was yelled at by my optomitrist today for wearing my contacts too long. I just sat and took it. I was so suprised I just sat there. She refused service to me and told me I will be blind if I continue wearing my contacts like I have been.
I admit I wear them longer then I should but yelling at a perfect stranger?? I mean. Cmon. That really shook me.
Needless to say we will never shop there again ( walmart on power and southern)

I just got out of the hospital, I don't need that.

I showed and told my second therapist about this blog and he wad blown away. He thought it was beyond fantastic. Have I meantioned I love him?? (Family strategies)