~Just a paper cut for some...~

Today my daughter cut her finger. It bled quite a bit for such a little cut. I cleaned it up put a band-aid on and that was it.

This wouldn't have been the case a couple of years ago. Just that small amount of blood would have caused so much anxiety.

In elementary school, they would have a lesson on HIV/AIDS. They would talk about how we need to protect ourselves and raise awareness on this disease. They would tell us not to touch peoples blood or we would risk getting HIV. They would have 2 baby jars of water. One had food coloring while the other one didn't. They explained that they can touch all they want and they would not be infected. Then they poured the color liquid into the jar with water. They said once you touch someones blood who has HIV you will then be infected with HIV. Now both jars have the colored water.

Does anyone else remember that? I sure do and believe me it stuck with me for many years after that.

This was the beginning of my obsession of getting HIV.

I would walk around bare-foot. Then I would freak out if the thought came to my mind that I may have come into contact with blood. I would go to the sink and wash my feet. I would do this numerous times through out they day. I wouldn't eat anything that touch my finger. Going as far as eating around anything that my fingers would touch.

As I grew older, my compulsion and rituals have changed. As an adult, I worked in a day care. I would NEVER touch their blood. NEVER. If a child got hurt, he first thing I would do was grab a pair of gloves before tending their wounds. I wouldn't even comfort them until I had the gloves because I feared I would get HIV.

I would donate blood regularly, because I knew if I ever had HIV that they would tell me. So that was reassurance that I didn't have it. That is the true reason why I started donating blood.

When you go in for your first prenatal appointments, they Dr would ask if I wanted to be tested for HIV. With my first 2 I denied it. I couldn't bare the thought that I did something to contract HIV and pass it on to my children and husband. I would rather not know.

When I was pregnant with my third. Some how, I was tested for HIV. I think he just ordered the normal blood tests that time. The results came back negative.

I have feared for over a decade of getting HIV. I know I have been exposed to other peoples blood. It is inevitable. It took many years, but I think I have overcome this fear. Because today, when I treated my daughter's cut. There wasn't any anxiety. The thought came and went through my mind.

I didn't ritualized.