{Discovering One's Self}

I am a good person.

I tell myself that about 30x's a day, thanks to my my therapist. I cannot believe that I'm 24 and just now discovering myself. Anyone else feel like that?
My bipolar has had me on a pretty crazy maniac phase this week. I have to keep myself in check. I am taking a class that teaches about going "Lympic" which is where your brain trigers to the back of your brain, or 'survival mode' and you're not really "there." This is when an drug addict wants drugs more then anything. Its the animal instinct kicking in mixed with the addiction.
My "Lymphic" cycle has me beating myself up and my OCD keeps the thoughts coming and coming. You want to know the trick? This changed my life. You SLOW DOWN....take a breathe...and SLOW DOWN again. That kicks your brain from survival mode to thinking mode. And you're intelligent again!
The key to mastering, as with anything, is PRACTICE. Easier said the done right? ;)

I am sharing an affirmation with you that I love (I downloaded the app actually)

"I will remain confident and unaffected by negative attitudes around me."

For a fun challenge you should find a affirmation that fits you (you can google it), write it on a 'post it' and slap it on your bathroom mirror. Repeat to self 10x for 3 different times a day.

I'm changing the way I see the world and am hoping I find happiness.

ps We lowered the abilify....


Love Lynette

{It's Anxiety, not Stress}

I have an Anxiety Disorder! I am not suffering from Stress!

Life can be very stressful from time to time. It could be a broken car, finances, moving, etc. These are stressors in our lives that make us feel worn or anxious. But this is not the same for anxiety. Stress is some sort of event in your life that makes you feel overwhelmed, anxious, worried, etc. Anxiety is constantly feeling worried, panic, anxoius etc. There isn't any real stressor. For example, moving is very stressful. But once the move is all said and done the stress subsides. With Anxiety, there aren't any "events" that are causing your anxiety. It is just constant uneasiness, panic, fear. Sometimes, they don't even know why they feel that way.

I just do not think that everyone knows that anxiety is a true disorder. I can't blame them, I didn't know for a long time. Anxiety can be debilatating. It can make everyday activites hard. It can affect relationships. The fear one feels can prevent them from getting a job. There is so much too it.

I am not suffering from Stress. My anxiety can't be easily treated with a change of diet, exercise, caffiene elmination etc. I need medication and therapy. This is a true mood disorder.

{Taking my Life Back}

It is time to take my life back.

I am tired of OCD taking over my life.

I am tired of relapsing.

I am so tired of thinking I have done something that I didn't do

What I am experiencing is False Memories, memories that were created by my anxiety. The idea was implanted into my head by a dream. The dream wasn't real. But the more I thought it could be true, the more of the memory would come back. It was vague yet it was still there. So I just believed that if there is a memory than it has to be real.

But this is WRONG! So Wrong. Your brain is such a powerful thing. It can make you think and feel things that are just not real. You can worry about things so irrational. When you tell someone else, they just think it is crazy, but to you it's so real.

This memory is not real. This never happened. It doesn't matter what my brain tells me. It is wrong. My heart tells me otherwise. The Spirit tells me other wise. My journal entries and all my other memories tell me otherwise. But there will always be that "doubt" that little imp in my mind telling me "yeah, but.." I just have to overcome it.

Today, I am not going to allow myself to believe it is real. I am going to KNOW it is not real, it is my OCD brain talking to me. I have to overcome this. It has been way too long. It has taken away so much from. I have a family. I don't want to miss those little things just becuase my mind is somewhere else.

I have to overcome my OCD

{Bad reaction}

I think I may be having bad side effects from the Abilify. I'm totally torn if I want to continue on it.... anyone been on it???!

{One Year}

Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary since I finally got help with my anxiety!

I have suffered from anxiety since I was very young. I don't even know the age when it started, but I was very young.

I never knew that I had a problem. I just thought everyone was like that.

It wasn't until I had this feeling to tell a good friend about everything that was going through my mind. That was the beginning of my recovery. She helped me tell my husband my problems. She helped me get help from my doctor. With out her, I do not think I would have got help.

It was just talking about these issues that made me realize that I am not the only one out there.

She was suffering the same thing that I was.

Which is so crazy, because I never knew she was suffering all those years we were friends.

I always wanted to be her. She is gorgeous, skinny, and the best mom ever! She was everything I wanted to be. She was outgoing and had lots of friends.

I never knew that I was just like her.

An OCD sufferer!

Since then, I have been open about my struggles. You just never know who needs to hear it.

This is why I jumped on board when Lynnette talked about starting up this blog. People need to hear that they are not the only ones out there that feel this way.

So today, I am celebrating one year of finally getting my life in order. It has been a long and hard process. I am still not 100% but I know someday I will be.

{Trauma}

Trauma and drama, not only sound alike but cause the same effect on me....

Due to a large amount of drama, I stopped blogging. I sat, ticking away.... Then, several people emailed me out of no where, people I didn't even realize were reading and told me how much they appreciated the things I had to say, and told me how touched they were by my blogging. Which meant the world. I love my readers and my support I've been getting. For you, I blaze ahead.

First off let me clear the air by saying none of this is meant to be a medical advice blog at all. I am not a professional and neither are my friends I have contribute. I'm just a girl who found strength over the internet.

Second, this blog is not meant for...ahem...'bitching' its ONLY for support.

Third, I experienced a lot of back lash when I "came out" with my bipolar; its a 'taboo' in our society. "Smile and be happy" we're told. "Don't make waves" we're told.
Then we wonder what happens when a supposedly "happy" person off and kills themselves.
Lets talk it out people.

Fourth, it doesn't matter what others think. This blog is more successful then I imagined it being and I think there is a reason for that. So, I'm back.


The fact of the matter is I've always had these issues, the only difference is now I have a 'name' for the enemy I'm fighting. And knowing is half the battle right??
They taught me in my therapy classes I am taking that the healthier I become the more and more I will see unhealthy relationships in my life. Boy were they right.


I also want to say I did not create this blog to, ahem, "bitch" about my life. I have the cutest kids around. I have the most wonderful, loving, capable man at my side, employment, great health and a great support through my church.
This is an ADDITION to that.

But dang it, I need to talk about these anxieties before they get the best of me.

I'm back and feeling stronger then ever.

How are you???

from the mind of lynette