My plate is full

I am feeling like I am carrying a large load on my back. It is beginning to weigh me down. Asking me to do such a little favor these days feel like you are asking me to run a marathon. I feel like my 3 children, my husband, and my household is about all I can handle. Anything more than that I am struggling to stay afloat. I am fee like I am drowning in responsibilities. I start school in less than 2 weeks, as the day approaches I am worrying if I can handle all my responsibilities. I feel misplaced. I just don't fit. I can't seem to find away to feel like I belong. Some days, I just want to run away from my problems.

I have to realize, that I can only handle so much. Someone, once told me that we all have different size plates. Some have large serving platters, while some have dinner plates, and there are some who have tiny little saucers. I think I have a salad plate. Their servings or responsibilities I can fit on that plate are small. When I was on my meds, I had a dinner plate, I could do fill it up. Since getting off, my plate broke and was replaced with a salad plate. Better than the dessert plate I had before I was treated. This week I realized my plate was just over flowing. I realized that I need to make my portions smaller. I have to eliminate responsibilities that are asking too much from me. Instead of wishing I had a serving platter and be super women and it all, I am going to make the best of my salad plate. I will learn to say no. I just so badly want to be that one person people can depend on that I am taking away from what matters the most, my kids.

I will have to deal with anxiety for the rest of my life. I have dealt with it my entire life. Knowing that the next 2.5 years will be a struggle while attending nursing school, I have to change they way I do things. I will have to keep in mind what will in my best interest when asked to do favors.

feeling better

Guess what world?? I'm feeling better!! Yeeeyaa!!! The drs have me on a cocktail of meds I think are working well. That in addition to running everyday has made me feel more whole. This year has been so rough, I'm praying the roughest of my life cause I'm not so sure I can take more. I so believe in meds, Im such a strong believer that meds can make all the difference in a persons life. I cannot believe how good I'm feeling, I'm actually able to function. Take care of my kids, be a better wife, and we're actually contimplating a 4th  kid. A couple months ago this all would never have been.

Heres to life!

I am a glacier- and the strom is coming!

most days I feel like a glacier, hiding most of myself under the water...


I cannot even express to you what a mess this whole getting on new medication has been!!! I had been going to this certain clinic I wont mention since January being treated . They were ok I guess.Well, my paxil stopped working! I became very anxious and irritable. Even suicide ideas, no plans just thoughts.So I beg my dr to get me in ANYWHERE, 3AM WHATEVER i need serious help!!!! So I make an appt and it gets canceled. Wonderful. This happens SIX TIMES in a mater of 2 weeks! Bear in mind, I'm not even able to get out of bed in the morning and take care of my kids. My house is a wreck cause they've just ran loose every. At this point I'm calling the dr everyday and asking for him to squeeze me in. I need some freaking help people! Cry! Cry! Crying for help!
so i was driving ON MY WAY TO THE MED CHECK appt when I get a call saying, what'???? HE HAD TO CANCEL AGAIN! tears are streaming down my face at this point. They always say, if you're depressed reach out and get help. HELLO WORLD!! CAN YOU HEAR ME,,,,,ITs LYNETTE AND i NEED HELP. my life depends on it.
so I call my insurance provider, crying so hard I'm sure she dint understand a word I was saying. So she sent me to this place much closer to my house. The fit me right in for a med check-perfect. They even had an opening THAT afternoon for me to see the DR. AWESOME..
well I race home and make lunch for the kids, frantically try to find a sitter and run right back to see the dr. And this guy looks like he survived the holocaust, i mean it was rough. Within the first 5 minutes he told me i need to leave my church, stop talking to my bishop because he will say anything to keep marriages together, and to leave ryan. Can you say QUACK??
hE ALSO TOLD me THAT i COULD GET ANY GUY i CHOOSE AND he kept asking about our sex life. Needless to say I was more then a little upset.
I called one of our councilors who happens to LDS and he told me not to listen to this guy, hes a nut. Which made me feel better.
I am on new medication, hes taking me off paxil (hallelujah! we could try for a baby if we want) and the withdraws are not as bad as I expected. I thought Id be detoxing like on Dr Drews Celebrity Rehab. But I have not even once been uncomfortable. I'm on (drum roll please)
*Abilify (mood stabilizer)
*Lamotrigine (heavy mood stabilizer-it has a two pronged effect, it treats my bipolar and depression. AWESOMENESS. I havent felt this healthy in years!!
* Attivan of course!


I also wanted to take a few minutes to thank all my awesome friends and family who have all been so patient and understanding with my illness. Some friends have given up on me, and just flat shut me out of their lives, and that hurts. I guess in a way it scares them and they dont know how to handle it or something so they just pull away. BUT its in these times of need you find out who your true Friends are. Especially Brittany and Kati, you two are awesome and I consider you my closest friends. :)

Thanks all to the readers. hope we can continue to gain strength from one another!

xoxo Lynette

High! Flying high!

Yes I'm back. Actually on a flight to nauvoo. We're doing a church history tour.

Mental health status.....hmmmm. where do I start?! Well. Things have been crazy. Thoughts, ideas, feelings all bouncing around inside my head like ping pong balls. Can't it all just stop?

Adjusted meds again. The Dr looks at me like I'm some kind of sick freak for wanting more of what's working.  Oh Dr. Live a day in my head......mmmmkkay?!
I'm currently maxed to what the Paxil can do for me. We upped Ability and upped the Ativan.
Tried therapy? Ask the three therapists I Visit.
They'll show you the money I've spent filling their wallets. All their kids should be going to college thanks to me.

It doesn't matter to me what people think anymore. That is a huge breakthrough.  I just feel it should be talked about more. Why is there so much stigma around this topic? Maybe its my sick mind but, hey, we're all screwed up right?
Lets gather together. Hold each other. Laugh and cry. Share in the truimps and the defeats. Together.
Those who struggle, know I'm in the trenches with you. I'm here.
Talk to me.......

{Guest Blogger ~ Jessica}

I'm so excited to get to be a guest blogger!!! My name is Jessica and i suffer from OCD and Agoraphobia. Most people don't know what agoraphobia is. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder defined as a morbid fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions. The agoraphobia has caused me to be a hermit in many ways. It becomes incredibly difficult to leave my house, go to church, visit friends all for the fear of having a panic attack before i leave or once i get there. Almost everyone I've met that Ive told about my Agoraphobia tells me, "You look all put together and under control to me. You'd never be able to tell" That's because i do a wonderful job of hiding my anxiety. I look completely calm and put together, but underneath my body is in full PANIC MODE. My heart races uncontrollably and i want to run home where i feel safe and where i feel i can control everything around me. That also is a combination of my OCD disorder. I ALWAYS have to keep things in order. I have a fear that if my house isn't perfectly clean that my husband might be angry or disappointed in me. Clearly this isn't the reality since my husband always tells me to sit down and relax and stop worrying about everything around the house. But he doesn't realize that while I'm sitting trying to relax my brain is analyzing everything around the house that is out of place and needs to be placed back in its rightful home. My OCD also causes me to be very concerned about my appearance. I wont leave my house unless i feel that i am 100% put together and looking nice.
Trying to deal with Agoraphobia and OCD is difficult some days and easy others. I have learned that sometimes i need to let the house stay dirty and focus on my kids that day instead of cleaning the entire day. It may bother me and make me want to run around picking stuff up, but I've learned to realize that i cant keep my house perfectly clean, especially when i have two small children. So if my house is messy i let it be messy. And when dealing with my Agoraphobia I end up just having to leave my house in panic mode and just dealing with my anxiety. Thank heavens for my husband. If it weren't for him i don't think i would get out of my house half the time. He is so wonderful and pushes me to go to church even though i don't want to because of the anxiety, and he encourages me to go spend time with my friends outside of the house and be sociable even when its hard. I'm so grateful for my husband and his love and support when I'm being a miss crazy pants at him and the kids and the house. Dealing with Anxiety disorders is an uphill battle and I think this blog is an AMAZING way to let others that suffer from the same problems know that you aren't alone in the battle and that there are others out there who know EXACTLY what you are going through and that you are a freak or completely crazy! Thanks so much!

~Jessica~

{I've Come along way}

I am realizing more and more that I have come a long way with me OCD. I am able to be myself. I have realized I have done so many things to please others and my anxiety has kept me back. I am always worried about the "what ifs" scenarios that it takes away from reality.

Last week, was pretty hard for me. I found out that my oldest daughter has a heart defect. My husband, Tom, has a brother and a nephew who have congenital heart defects and I have a deceased brother who had a heart defect at birth. He died about a week after he was born, this was the early eighties so technology isn't anything near it is now. My entire married life I have had this fear in the back of my mind that I would have a child with a heart defect. It can be hereditary, and since we both have brothers with defects, I just knew it was a HUGE possibility.

When my daughter was first born, the pediatrician in the hospital did inform me that she had a heart murmur. I knew that many newborns have murmurs because their valves haven't shut quite yet. Since then, no one has ever mentioned about her heart murmur. A couple of weeks ago, we took our children in to the after hours clinic because our children were really sick. The Dr asked us if we ever were told that she had a heart murmur.  She told us to see our pediatrician just to check on it. Her doctor referred us to the Cardiologist just to make sure it is an innocent heart murmur because of our family history.

We see the Cardiologist and he confirms that she has Aortic Valve Stenosis due to a valve that has two of the three leaflets fused together. She is fine for now, but will need surgery in adulthood. We will continue to see the Cardiologist to make sure it doesn't get worse.

I was so mad that this wasn't caught sooner. But really thinking about it, I am soooo glad that I didn't know about this for the last four years, I would have been a complete wreck with this news. This would have definitely spiked my OCD. I would have constant worry about my other children when I was pregnant with them. I feel so blessed that I didn't know until I was well enough to take this information in and process it. I seriously, could not have handled this even a year ago. I have come a long way. This is just one of many examples.

Fragile

Feeling fragile tonight. Alone on my anniversary es no beuno. Though I did go on a shopping spree today :)
I was yelled at by my optomitrist today for wearing my contacts too long. I just sat and took it. I was so suprised I just sat there. She refused service to me and told me I will be blind if I continue wearing my contacts like I have been.
I admit I wear them longer then I should but yelling at a perfect stranger?? I mean. Cmon. That really shook me.
Needless to say we will never shop there again ( walmart on power and southern)

I just got out of the hospital, I don't need that.

I showed and told my second therapist about this blog and he wad blown away. He thought it was beyond fantastic. Have I meantioned I love him?? (Family strategies)

{And more...}

I'm feeling agitated today.


Let me start off by saying I loved Kati's post about our problem being anxiety, not stress. That is so true. Anyone who thinks its just "stress" has no clue and should stop pretending they do. In saying that its a huge insult to not only us but to our innocent children who bring nothing but happiness and light into our lives, right Kati? I've had it said to me that its just stress by non- professionals. let me tell ya, I'm seeing about 5 different specialists who all agree ITS NOT STRESS.

Its the way our brains work, unfortunatly. But with finding balance, and a good drug (which is NOT a HIGH btw) we can overcome it.Also I might add everyone has their issues. We're just a little more open, I have loved blogging about this because there are so many people that come out of the woodwork and agree with me. They find support and strength. If my expierence can help one person then its been worth it.

This blog started becasue my therapist said it would be healthy to do it. I agreed, with promptings of the Spirit I asked Kati to help me.

I have found the things to work has been to find a good support (this) and share. I also find talking with a therapist helps. Dont be afraid to ask for help, its there! You don't need to sit by, quietly ticking away.

Please, reader, take care of yourself. Job one....

[Taking Care!}

sometimes we just have to laugh at ourselves...

I met with my therapist today. What a wonderful thing that was. I am grateful I live in a time where people like me can get help before their lives become out of control.
I have times I feel I am crawling out of my skin. I feel so happy now, not because of med, (I'm on an extremely low dose) but all the therapy is helping. Lets talk it out.
She thought the blog was wonderful, btw...

Getting healthy. As a mom I always put my needs last. The kids always need something, the hubby needs whatever, laundry to be done, dishes are multiplying....

I get lost in it all at times. I forget to take care of myself. I always thought it went:
1) Kids
2)Marriage
3)Me
In talking to my therapist I realized I have been doing it all wrong! It SHOULD go:
1)ME
2)Marriage
3)Kids

Its so opposite from what one might think, especially as a mom.
So what does a mom do with 3 (or more or less) kids to take care of herself?
Here is a list I have began compiling:

1) Journal- I have begun!
2) Plant a garden (or take up any hobby- I planted a garden)
3) Excercise- gotta get those endorphins!
4) Eat Healthy- You'd be AMAZED what eating healthy can do for your mood! (and waistline)
5)Date your spouse

Taking care of yourself is job one, it may feel weird at first, especially if you're like me, but so far it has actually worked!

Here's to a great week! Hope everyone is feeling good!


"Laughing at others' misfortunes can shorten our lives; Laughing at ourselves can lengthen it"
Lynette

{Discovering One's Self}

I am a good person.

I tell myself that about 30x's a day, thanks to my my therapist. I cannot believe that I'm 24 and just now discovering myself. Anyone else feel like that?
My bipolar has had me on a pretty crazy maniac phase this week. I have to keep myself in check. I am taking a class that teaches about going "Lympic" which is where your brain trigers to the back of your brain, or 'survival mode' and you're not really "there." This is when an drug addict wants drugs more then anything. Its the animal instinct kicking in mixed with the addiction.
My "Lymphic" cycle has me beating myself up and my OCD keeps the thoughts coming and coming. You want to know the trick? This changed my life. You SLOW DOWN....take a breathe...and SLOW DOWN again. That kicks your brain from survival mode to thinking mode. And you're intelligent again!
The key to mastering, as with anything, is PRACTICE. Easier said the done right? ;)

I am sharing an affirmation with you that I love (I downloaded the app actually)

"I will remain confident and unaffected by negative attitudes around me."

For a fun challenge you should find a affirmation that fits you (you can google it), write it on a 'post it' and slap it on your bathroom mirror. Repeat to self 10x for 3 different times a day.

I'm changing the way I see the world and am hoping I find happiness.

ps We lowered the abilify....


Love Lynette

{It's Anxiety, not Stress}

I have an Anxiety Disorder! I am not suffering from Stress!

Life can be very stressful from time to time. It could be a broken car, finances, moving, etc. These are stressors in our lives that make us feel worn or anxious. But this is not the same for anxiety. Stress is some sort of event in your life that makes you feel overwhelmed, anxious, worried, etc. Anxiety is constantly feeling worried, panic, anxoius etc. There isn't any real stressor. For example, moving is very stressful. But once the move is all said and done the stress subsides. With Anxiety, there aren't any "events" that are causing your anxiety. It is just constant uneasiness, panic, fear. Sometimes, they don't even know why they feel that way.

I just do not think that everyone knows that anxiety is a true disorder. I can't blame them, I didn't know for a long time. Anxiety can be debilatating. It can make everyday activites hard. It can affect relationships. The fear one feels can prevent them from getting a job. There is so much too it.

I am not suffering from Stress. My anxiety can't be easily treated with a change of diet, exercise, caffiene elmination etc. I need medication and therapy. This is a true mood disorder.

{Taking my Life Back}

It is time to take my life back.

I am tired of OCD taking over my life.

I am tired of relapsing.

I am so tired of thinking I have done something that I didn't do

What I am experiencing is False Memories, memories that were created by my anxiety. The idea was implanted into my head by a dream. The dream wasn't real. But the more I thought it could be true, the more of the memory would come back. It was vague yet it was still there. So I just believed that if there is a memory than it has to be real.

But this is WRONG! So Wrong. Your brain is such a powerful thing. It can make you think and feel things that are just not real. You can worry about things so irrational. When you tell someone else, they just think it is crazy, but to you it's so real.

This memory is not real. This never happened. It doesn't matter what my brain tells me. It is wrong. My heart tells me otherwise. The Spirit tells me other wise. My journal entries and all my other memories tell me otherwise. But there will always be that "doubt" that little imp in my mind telling me "yeah, but.." I just have to overcome it.

Today, I am not going to allow myself to believe it is real. I am going to KNOW it is not real, it is my OCD brain talking to me. I have to overcome this. It has been way too long. It has taken away so much from. I have a family. I don't want to miss those little things just becuase my mind is somewhere else.

I have to overcome my OCD

{Bad reaction}

I think I may be having bad side effects from the Abilify. I'm totally torn if I want to continue on it.... anyone been on it???!

{One Year}

Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary since I finally got help with my anxiety!

I have suffered from anxiety since I was very young. I don't even know the age when it started, but I was very young.

I never knew that I had a problem. I just thought everyone was like that.

It wasn't until I had this feeling to tell a good friend about everything that was going through my mind. That was the beginning of my recovery. She helped me tell my husband my problems. She helped me get help from my doctor. With out her, I do not think I would have got help.

It was just talking about these issues that made me realize that I am not the only one out there.

She was suffering the same thing that I was.

Which is so crazy, because I never knew she was suffering all those years we were friends.

I always wanted to be her. She is gorgeous, skinny, and the best mom ever! She was everything I wanted to be. She was outgoing and had lots of friends.

I never knew that I was just like her.

An OCD sufferer!

Since then, I have been open about my struggles. You just never know who needs to hear it.

This is why I jumped on board when Lynnette talked about starting up this blog. People need to hear that they are not the only ones out there that feel this way.

So today, I am celebrating one year of finally getting my life in order. It has been a long and hard process. I am still not 100% but I know someday I will be.

{Trauma}

Trauma and drama, not only sound alike but cause the same effect on me....

Due to a large amount of drama, I stopped blogging. I sat, ticking away.... Then, several people emailed me out of no where, people I didn't even realize were reading and told me how much they appreciated the things I had to say, and told me how touched they were by my blogging. Which meant the world. I love my readers and my support I've been getting. For you, I blaze ahead.

First off let me clear the air by saying none of this is meant to be a medical advice blog at all. I am not a professional and neither are my friends I have contribute. I'm just a girl who found strength over the internet.

Second, this blog is not meant for...ahem...'bitching' its ONLY for support.

Third, I experienced a lot of back lash when I "came out" with my bipolar; its a 'taboo' in our society. "Smile and be happy" we're told. "Don't make waves" we're told.
Then we wonder what happens when a supposedly "happy" person off and kills themselves.
Lets talk it out people.

Fourth, it doesn't matter what others think. This blog is more successful then I imagined it being and I think there is a reason for that. So, I'm back.


The fact of the matter is I've always had these issues, the only difference is now I have a 'name' for the enemy I'm fighting. And knowing is half the battle right??
They taught me in my therapy classes I am taking that the healthier I become the more and more I will see unhealthy relationships in my life. Boy were they right.


I also want to say I did not create this blog to, ahem, "bitch" about my life. I have the cutest kids around. I have the most wonderful, loving, capable man at my side, employment, great health and a great support through my church.
This is an ADDITION to that.

But dang it, I need to talk about these anxieties before they get the best of me.

I'm back and feeling stronger then ever.

How are you???

from the mind of lynette

{Guest Blogger!}

This post is from my lovely guest, Breanna! Thanks Bree, you're awesome!
Happy reading, this is really great!

I've never been a guest on a blog before! How many times can I be a guest blogger? I love the site you've created and I'm so excited to spread the word and get more followers. If you want you can use what I wrote below for a post:

Constant Health Concerns When I Don't Take Time for ME

I'm currently taking a time and stress management course through the University of Phoenix online; on top of my current course in my degree program. There are a lot of things discussed that I'm struggling with that I thought I would share with you:

Many researchers have demonstrated time and again, that stress has profound effects, both immediate and long term on our bodies and minds. While stress alone does not cause disease, it triggers molecular changes throughout the body that makes us susceptible to many illnesses. The burden of chronic stress can undermine one's ability to cope with day-to-day hassles, and can exacerbate psychological problems like depression and anxiety disorders.

Has stress affected your everyday health?

You don't have to answer the question, just simply think about it.

It's all over MSN, Yahoo, and AOL front pages, "How to reduce your stress," I'll gander through the article and roll my eyes exclaiming to myself, "Yeah, like that's really gonna work." With three extremely active little ones majority of the times aren't gonna happen. It's not practical for me to take a walk outside when I'm stressed because getting the kids ready is only going to make me MORE stressed. Then constantly telling them to hurry up because I want to burn off some steam with only frusterate me more.

The trick is finding what works for you. That obviously doesn't work for me. There are a zillion and one methods out there and somewhere, someday, I'll find that method that works for me. Until then, I'm stuck here battling stress everyday, struggling with everyday activities; causing my health to decline. Some of the immediate affects include MASSIVE headaches, a constant struggle with fatigue (I could sleep 12 hours and still feel like I haven't had enough), and frequent cough/cold symptoms.

Another health symptom that I suffer from is Endometriosis. It's been a constant battle and I've been offered a hysterecomy on numerous occassions but I've been hesitant to follow through with the procedure because I think to myself, "I'm only 24, this shouldn't be happening to my body, if I want to have more kids I should be able too; not that it's in the immediate plan." If I were to get the hysterectomy I would also lose that sense of control, which I love so much, causing a whole other world of stress related problems.
I hate that I can't control unforseen situations and I really go crazy when I can't control my own environment.

In conclusion, in order to stay happy and healthy, to help us all with this constant struggle, we need to set aside some real "ME" time and don't foget about (enter your name here). I'm mostly stressed because of the million activities I have to do for someone else in a day, including caring for my husband and children (which I love dearly), but there is little to no return. When the "ME" time has returned, I feel rejuvinated and able to conquer the next stressful task; even if that is calming dealing with the in-laws.

~Just a paper cut for some...~

Today my daughter cut her finger. It bled quite a bit for such a little cut. I cleaned it up put a band-aid on and that was it.

This wouldn't have been the case a couple of years ago. Just that small amount of blood would have caused so much anxiety.

In elementary school, they would have a lesson on HIV/AIDS. They would talk about how we need to protect ourselves and raise awareness on this disease. They would tell us not to touch peoples blood or we would risk getting HIV. They would have 2 baby jars of water. One had food coloring while the other one didn't. They explained that they can touch all they want and they would not be infected. Then they poured the color liquid into the jar with water. They said once you touch someones blood who has HIV you will then be infected with HIV. Now both jars have the colored water.

Does anyone else remember that? I sure do and believe me it stuck with me for many years after that.

This was the beginning of my obsession of getting HIV.

I would walk around bare-foot. Then I would freak out if the thought came to my mind that I may have come into contact with blood. I would go to the sink and wash my feet. I would do this numerous times through out they day. I wouldn't eat anything that touch my finger. Going as far as eating around anything that my fingers would touch.

As I grew older, my compulsion and rituals have changed. As an adult, I worked in a day care. I would NEVER touch their blood. NEVER. If a child got hurt, he first thing I would do was grab a pair of gloves before tending their wounds. I wouldn't even comfort them until I had the gloves because I feared I would get HIV.

I would donate blood regularly, because I knew if I ever had HIV that they would tell me. So that was reassurance that I didn't have it. That is the true reason why I started donating blood.

When you go in for your first prenatal appointments, they Dr would ask if I wanted to be tested for HIV. With my first 2 I denied it. I couldn't bare the thought that I did something to contract HIV and pass it on to my children and husband. I would rather not know.

When I was pregnant with my third. Some how, I was tested for HIV. I think he just ordered the normal blood tests that time. The results came back negative.

I have feared for over a decade of getting HIV. I know I have been exposed to other peoples blood. It is inevitable. It took many years, but I think I have overcome this fear. Because today, when I treated my daughter's cut. There wasn't any anxiety. The thought came and went through my mind.

I didn't ritualized.

{It's 3:10am...}

I am so in love with this music video! I watch it when I am sad and depressed.
Which has been frequent, not going to lie.

Its 3:10am...yup...

I saw my therapist today and bawled my eyes out to her. Why do I have to deal with this? I didn't choose this....etc. I will leave out the choice words I used to express myself because I don't want this to turn into a sob-fest. I really want this to be the beginning of something incredible in my life, an inspiring twist of fate.

I feel like I'm getting to re-know myself, like the last 24 years have been somehow lead by a different person. My outlook has changed, though I'm not sure that's a bad thing at this point. I think I can be better. I WILL be better.

Not that an official diagnosis, which is what I have now, means that much. The whole world can fit into one diagnostic or the other. I am also a believer everyone could benefit from therapy, don't you?

I'm feeling unusually chipper, probably because I left all my negative energy at the therapist' door. It may be another manic phase, still deciding between the two... I'll let you decide which I'm hoping it is....

Enough talk. Watch the video, I know you'll love it.

-lynette

My Obsession

I seem to be a very normal person. I am married for almost 7 years and have the amazing children. I enjoy being a wife and a mother. I have a small business and awaiting placement for nursing school. I keep myself busy making crafts and decorating. Anything "do it yourself" is my kinda thing. People are often amazed that I have 3 young children, have a clean house, going to school, small business, and have time to be crafty. But really this is all to keep my mind busy from my thoughts.

I have Obsessivee Compulsive Disorder.

My mind just won't stop. It is full of guilt, doubt, and worry. I sometimes can't tell between reality and my fears. My fears control my life. I worry that I will become this awful person. I worried if I have done awful things and just can't remember. I obsess daily if I am not the perfect mom for my children. I have intrusive thoughts that will not leave my mind. I have to perform rituals do help ease the anxiety.

That is my story.

What is yours?